Welcome to a long overdue update on our adoption story. It has been a very interesting four and a half months to say the least. Here's your warning on the length and context of this update: there is a lot of information here that should take a little while to absorb, so get a cup of coffee, find a comfortable sitting position and read on ...

As many of you who have followed the pictoral journal to this point have thought, things are not as pristine as they appear.

From our original journal you learned that we attended an attachment disorder conference in Charlotte in April of 2004. We learned about reactive attachment disorder mainly and the fact that our original idea to adopt three children simultaneously was far-fetched. In fact, we learned that adopting more than one orphaned child who had been in the system more than six months was not a good idea. As you know now, we persisted in our desire to bring home two boys.

Now the real story ...

Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) is a serious problem with many children, especially those institutionalized. There are many indicators which lead a qualified person to label a child as having RAD. Ours have been.

We knew that there would be a honeymoon period after our return home and that we should enjoy it. We did. I think the pictures between Sept and Nov indicate the boys were getting adjusted to their new surroundings and were genuinely happy about the change. Then it ended. It was abrupt. It was Wednesday, Nov 17, when something changed, we don't know what, but Zhenia was suddenly very different. We had seen some tantrums, not previously reported in this journal, and they had resolved in at most three days. But this time, by Tuesday, Nov 23, two days before Thanksgiving, things were not resolved and there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Zhenia was defiant and that was that. Carol was at her peak with 'taking the punishment' of his bruising behavior. Carol was given a respite from Wed to Sun across the Thanksgiving break. Adrian cared for the boys completely while Carol was given a well-deserved break 'from the action.' She was exhausted, actually. We had been home for about nine weeks and had assumed a routine that we had not broken since our return. It had worn us down. We were used to frequent restaurant visits, travel as much as twice a month, etc. While we knew these things would come to an end, the relief they offer in this stressful world are not measurable until you remove them. Then, add on the stress of becoming parents and having to learn what we need to do, don't need to do 'while on the job,' we were worn down in two months.

We knew then that the honeymoon period had expired. It was time to begin the next phase. Yes, we knew there would be some phases to our experience and knew there would come a time to move to the next one. But, who wants to give up the honeymoon? We rode that horse for nearly two months. It was a fun, rewarding ride. It gave us some time to reflect on our adoption experience of the past six months, integrate the immediate family into our new lives and respond to some of you reading this journal from across the states.

However, we needed to determine what care routines were not required to break the idea the boys had that we were mere 'keepers' of them. That's right, in their eyes we were just the next set of orphanage care providers. It was time to attack the problem ... find out if they would be considered having RAD; mild or otherwise.

We sought a licensed therapist, the closest being in Greensboro. He accepted our inquiry and we began visiting him almost weekly starting the week after Thanksgiving. He quickly diagnosed the boys as RAD although the mild form, thankfully. So, what is this RAD and what are the indicators? The following list of indicators was 'borrowed' from the Thompson's Children Home website:

• Has suffered from abuse or neglect
• Has experienced multiple foster care placements
• Has unstable peer relations
• Has poor impulse control
• Lies and steals
• Has difficulty with eye contact with adults
• Has no conscience or remorse; blames others
• Is aggressive towards others
• Is cruel towards animals
• Doesn’t exhibit cause & effect thinking
• Is superficially engaging or charming
• Has abnormal eating habits, hoards food
• Has Enuresis and/or Encopresis
• Asks persistent questions
• Has been adopted
• Has inappropriate emotional responses
• Has extreme control problems
• Experienced separations from birth mother during first 2 years
• Victimizes others (perpetrator, bully)
• Has self-destructive behaviors
• Is inappropriately demanding or clingy
• Has a preoccupation with fire, gore, or evil

I'm sure a lot of you parents will read the list and think, "Oh my!," my child exhibits some of these, but I thought he was attached and could trust me. The reality is that even normal children have some degree of the above list but that doesn't label them with RAD. The folks who work this disorder say at least 1/2 of the list must be evident in a child for the label to be considered. Let me be candid and share with you my assessment of Sasha and Zhenia ...

Abuse or neglect? Yes, both for neglect. That is why they were removed from the birth parents. Zhenia was barely a year old when removed so it means the neglect was going on for some time. Sasha was not yet 3. As far as abuse, this was our major worry when we visited the orphanage to learn of their story. To the best of our knowledge, then and now, we don't believe there was physical or sexual abuse of these boys. We have no indicators of abuse so far. However, the jury is still out on this one as sexual abuse may not show up until some years from now.

Multiple care placements? Yes, for Zhenia. He was placed in a baby orphanage originally and only moved to the Chernyahovsk orphanage about 18 months before we got him. His mental age roughly approximates this change. Sasha moved quickly from immediate care to Chernyahovsk so we don't believe multiple care placements is as big factor for him.

Unstable peer relations? Don't know for either. We'll find out later as longer term relationships are established with friends and neighbors.

Poor impulse control? Certainly for Zhenia. He operates on impulse. Sasha appears to be a bit more able to handle his impulses and only shows signs of this one as he sees Zhenia getting our attention due to certain behaviors and craves the same attention.

Lies and steals? Stealing, no, we haven't encountered this one yet. Lies? Yes for both. Zhenia's are easy fabrications to detect while Sasha's are a bit more subtle.

Difficulty with eye contact with adults? Yes, for both, although this one is improving a bit already. They both, having been 'in the system' for years, have figured out a way to deal with those around them. They have determined a control mechanism which in their minds works to get them what they want. Zhenia will only use his eyes in this manner. He has a very cute look about him that he uses to his advantage. Sasha uses compliance to chores and working them quickly (at least at first) to gain favor. All the while the eye contact is minimal and not 'locked in.'

No conscience, remorse? Zhenia is likely to fit this to a T. Sasha has some, but not near enough. We think Sasha did get bonded to his Mama Masher due to his expressed kindness and concern for others, including pets. However, Zhenia doesn't exhibit the signs necessary to assume he has much at all. There is some improvement here since September, but a long, long way to go.

Agressive towards others? They are not overly agressive towards each other and have played very well with other children. I've said all along that they've received more socialization skills than most of us ever will given their long expereience living with 30+ other children and 15+ other adults for the past 5 years. They do have what I term the normal little boy agressions but they have listened when it is pointed out they are being to rough with each other.

Cruel towards animals? We've seen a few acts, mild at least, towards the dogs. To our knowledge they've not done anything to them and we do watch this one pretty close. Belle is such a communicative dog that it would be fairly easy to tell if something had happened to her. Sasha is actually so concerned over the dogs' well being that we've determined it is part of his control mechanism. He is pretty smart and was likely used by the orphanage to help with the other children. So he thinks he is in control by having these feelings and trys to act on them (e.g. feed the dogs on time, bring them in at night).

Lack of cause and effect thinking? This is certainly true of Zhenia. Little if any exists. We believe that Sasha is much the same although there are times it is evident he does think before acting.

Superficially engaging or charming? Yes, for both. Zhenia is evident as mentioned above ... the cutesy look he uses to get his way. Sasha is more subtle and uses his compliance mechanism to gain favor.

Abnormal eating habits, hoards food? Thankfully, we've not seen the hoarding of food. We were warned about this possibility from others but have not experienced it. We have caught each of them a time or two since September putting something small in their pockets but once they realized we knew this has ceased. The boys did have some abnormal gulping habits the first 7-8 weeks we were home. They would eat abnormal amounts of certain foods. This has slacked off and their eating patterns appear to be more normal for their sex and age.

Enuresis and/or Encopresis? Neither boy, thankfully, has exhibited these problems.

Persistent questions? Although Zhenia asks quite a few, it is not an abnormal pattern in my estimation. His questioning is more along the lines of maintaining control of and getting what he wants.

Been adopted? Duh!

Inappropriate emotional responses? Zhenia certainly exhibits this. On the flip side, in fact, we had to teach him how to cry. Sasha, we believe, did bond some with his mother and doesn't have out-of-line emotional responses to date.

Extreme control problems? Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! Both boys are masters of control. They've devised in their little minds mechanisms to ensure they maintain control of their lives. This one area is difficult and brings out some the rage they've hidden for some time. More about that later.

Separation from birth mother within first two years? Zhenia for sure; Sasha was almost 3.

Victimizes others? We've not seen Sasha do so in a bad, demented way; Zhenia has victimized Sasha's things and we took the action to give them their own rooms at Thanksgiving. This move certainly had the effect we intended. Zhenia still from time to time will try to sabotage something Sasha has or is doing. Sasha is much more subtle at victimizing Zhenia. It takes on the form of talking over him or telling him what to do ... which earned him the name Sasha-mama for a short while. We realize it not a good thing to label and name behaviors, but this was such a big negative for Sasha that the behavior rarely is seen any longer.

Self-destructive behaviors? Sasha no, Zhenia some.

Inappropriately demanding or clingy? Sasha is demanding in his desire to control all actions within his domain. And we mean all. He is rather bright and has the capacity to 'keep up with' a lot of things, to the point of ensuring things happen that he perceives as part of the norm. We suspect this learned behavior came about from his determining this was a way to control his environment. We also think the orphanage took advantage of his ability to 'control' a lot of activities .... something we observed while in Chernyahovsk.

Preoccupation with fire, gore or evil? Sasha - no evidence yet; Zhenia speaks of fire and guns quite a bit. Both were shown videos extensively in Chernyahovsk much to our dismay. In fact, they had seen Terminator 2 as we were told during the first visit in July. They have a perception of the world which Hollywood has given them. And they've learned how to deal with much of it by control and manipulation.

Well, there you have it ... a quick assessment of the boys and their condition. Were you keeping score?

Let me do a 1 to 10 scale for you for each boy which would indicate to what degree I think they meet all these criteria/conditions:

Criteria	Sasha	Zhenia
Has suffered from abuse or neglect	10	10
Has experienced multiple foster care placements	8	10
Has unstable peer relations	-	-
Has poor impulse control	3	10
Lies and steals	6	9
Has difficulty with eye contact with adults	5	8
Has no conscience or remorse; blames others	5	10
Is aggressive towards others	2	2
Is cruel towards animals	2	3
Doesn’t exhibit cause & effect thinking	6	10
Is superficially engaging or charming	5	8
Has abnormal eating habits, hoards food	5	6
Has Enuresis and/or Encopresis	-	-
Asks persistent questions	7	9
Has been adopted	10	10
Has inappropriate emotional responses	3	8
Has extreme control problems	10	10
Experienced separation from birth mother during first 2 yrs	-	10
Victimizes others (perpetrator, bully)	1	8
Has self-destructive behaviors	-	5
Is inappropriately demanding or clingy	7	9
Has a preoccupation with fire, gore, or evil	-	7

There are 22 items above with at least 15 of them evident to some degree in Sasha and 20 in Zhenia. My assignments of 10 for Zhenia is a bit alarming, I think. But, that's where we are in my estimation. These average to 4.3 for Sasha, 7.3 for Zhenia. A bar graph showing the various rankings for each boys may reveal some interesting characteristics of the diagnosis:

Let's look at RAD from the therapist point of view, the following information paraphrased from Nancy Thomas' book, When Love is Not Enough:

The list above gives some guide for therapists to assess whether or not a child should be labelled with RAD.

If a majority of the list applies, then the following is an extremely likely situation: the child will at some point shut down and not devlop the ability to trust, love or care.

When this occurs the child then allows no one to control them.

The child must be in control, manipulate their environment and will have little or no conscience development.

Where does this condition lead if not corrected? Left uncontrolled (unresolved), the conditions can destroy a child or turn them into a killer, rapist, child abuser or a suicide statistic.

My summary ... something happened in the child's life which the child (in a child's mentality, keep that in mind) determined was due to a removal of trust. The child decides he/she cannot trust again since that person, likely a parent, let them down. No Trust, then they cannot let someone control them ... their actions, their feelings, their ability to determine the course of their lives. They develop a control mentality to cover for the trust issue. Thus, their heart is now guarded and can't be broken again because they will not trust again. Without this ability, their future lives become very self-centered and they are unable to see that human beings are not built to be self-sufficient. Without LOVE, there is little else to live for. God so loved the world, he gave His only begotten Son, so they all may live. Love is the basis of our existence and thus needs to be a part of their lives. So, let's fast-forward to the future --> they will, in time if uncorrected, strike out in various manners which, if they're big enough, will be destructive to other people or things.
NOTE: This is my point-of-view of the situation. It is not intended to be advice or anything else regarding RAD or how it is detected or corrected; please keep this in mind. Your comments on this topic will be warmly accepted and considered; see the feedback form at the bottom of this page.

So, given all this is true, then what we need to do TODAY is take action to prevent a bad situation from becoming much worse ... for the child, for the parents, for the rest of society. Our task is ...

• Help the child recover from somthing they are not even mentally aware of
• Work to help them learn to trust us
• Work to help them understand their feelings and learn that love is not their enemy
• Do all this before they get too BIG!

So, how to do those things above ...
Number one is to align ourselves with a licensed therapist ... done.
Number two is to implement a plan which will bring about those lessons of trust; to do so the children must bond with the MOTHER. This is the most key part of all that we're doing for the next few months. The MOTHER must be made the center-piece of their lives for everything. The MOTHER must have tools and techniques at her disposal which allow the bonding to begin, which leads to trust, which leads to acceptance of LOVE!

There are various techniques employed by the clinical community. One is called Holding. You can read about it in a book called Holding Time by Martha Welsh. A few searches on Google will expose that this technique has not met with overwhelming consensus of approval. A couple of unfortunate incidents have given it a bad name. However, my review of the topic, lasting over a week, led me to believe the persons in support of Holding Time were far more able to produce successful arguments than those against. We have implemented this technique since November and I can say it is having the predicted effects. The progress was very rapid in the beginning and although tapering off now, it is still as predicted.

Other techniques are outlined in the Nancy Thomas book (mentioned above). These techniques are not unique to caring for children. Parents of normal children could use them also. The difference is that with a RAD child, the 'how you do it' differs. Hopefully I'll get some time to explore that a little more for you in a future journal.

Let's get back to the MOTHER issue. This idea or strategy is the most profound change in thinking, at least for me, than anything. My mannerisms, thoughts, experience and all those things that make up how I interact with Carol have had to be exposed and changed to some degree in order to support the MOTHER role. And the things that need to change are not just with the husband but with ANYONE that comes into contact with her when the children are around to hear, see and listen. It's the little things that are killers to supporting the MOTHER issue. Let me provide a couple of examples ...

Suppose you were to arrange for a sitter to watch your child one evening so you could go out for dinner with your spouse. The child would be eating with the sitter. Upon return, just a couple of hours later, you pick up your child at the sitters residence and a comment, by the sitter, is made about the child desiring to take the remaining portion of supper home. The sitter says, "I told [the child] that his mother would have to say whether or not he could take the meal home."
This seems innocent doesn't it? Doesn't it seem like something you would have said?

Suppose you're the husband and you arrive home after work and smell the wonderful aroma of roast beef, potatoes and carrots simmering in the crock pot. You do your duty ... "What a wonderful dinner you are preparing, Mother!" All is well and good; however, just before supper time, something external happens and Mother cannot attend the meal. Father is left in charge. Mother excuses herself and exits. Father is left to feed the children their supper. Father, of course knowing best, divides up the crock pot goodies and eats with his children.
This seems innocent doesn't it? Doesn't it seem like something you Fathers would have done?

Let's take a look at why both actions DEGRADED the Mother of RAD children:

In the first example, the sitter unknowingly placed the Mother in the position of being the bad guy to the RAD child. The Mother was given the responsibility from the sitter of saying NO! What should have happened had they been a properly trained respite provider? The sitter would know that the MOTHER must be kept the center-piece of the RAD child's eye. The sitter would have taken the action to say No! This makes them the bad guy, not the Mother.

In the second example, the husband didn't think about the purpose of food in the therapy of the RAD children. He, being the hungry man and looking forward to a roast he hasn't had in a while, spread the love of Mother (the food) across the table and happily gulped it down. How did the RAD children view this? The Father came home and became the primary giver, caring person, of the wonderful meal prepared by Mother. Mother was not there. She could not reap the glory the meal created for her. All the thoughts, thanks and clean plates were given to the Father. Believe it or not, the Father should have fixed peanut-butter and jelly sandwiches for supper and been happily satisfied in the RAD children's eyes -- because we all know he wouldn't have been too happy doing it!! But taking this action would have left the power of food in the Mother's wonderful hands. The RAD children would be thinking that they sure wished Mother was there so they could eat whatever was making that wonderful smell come from the kitchen.

As you can see, the thought process to work with RAD children takes on a completely different approach than what you would normally think. Innocent, well-meaning actions by those persons in contact with Mother and RAD children are viewed as destructive towards the Mother, toward the Mother that is working as hard in her life as ever to break the shield around the RAD heart. It cannot be stressed too much that every action ANYONE takes around the Mother during this period must be given the type of thought process that prevents a non-intended degradation of Mother.

So, how long does everyone coming in contact have to live in fear of degrading her? Good question. The therapists generally agree that it takes about 1 month for every year the child was in the situation leading to RAD. This would mean aobut 5 months for our boys. I'd say we're in about half way now. The coming 2 1/2 to 3 months must be very guarded with respect to keeping the Mother the center of attention. I do ask everyone (immediate family, friends) that comes into direct contact to please consider this plea. Carol and I are tired. We have a ways to go and really look forward to the day when we'll feel like we've broken into those hearts and lifted the burden these children have had for so long. A little comment here or there sends us back 3-4 days. It happened this week.

For those of you helping us directly so far, we cannot thank you enough. We certainly know all the right things won't be said at the right time. We know everyone is trying and also wondering exactly what they can do. I'd encourage you to contact us directly (eMail is best right now; see below) to let us know of anything that bothers you with respect to things we've done or said. Our ability to ensure our family and friends are not mistreated is deminished right now. You know where our focus is. Our plight is well known. The biggest thing going for us is that there is a light at the end of this tunnel .... you will still be around as you are then ... and we want two little boys there with open, loving hearts to join you.

If you're now wondering what you can do to help, I have great news! Pray for starters. We can use all the prayers that can be offered. Second, you could consider becoming a respite care provider. We have some instructional videos which describe the what's and how's for this valuable service. You should feel welcome to request to review the videos without feeling you're commiting to actually providing this type of care. We certainly know that most folks are not cut out for it. Perhaps, even though you may already know you're not able to provide respite care, the video would be helpful for you to understand our situation. Please contact us via the form below.

More coming soon ... as I have time. My purpose here is to provide a couple of different audiences some information about our situation. First, family and friends are directly invited to help us make the Mother the most important person in the children's lives. Second, for those folks about to adopt older children, this journal should help you with expectations for similar circumstances. Third, this journal serves as a historical artifact for the boys. They are not an experiment but rather a work in progress. God has brought them to us, given us the means to acquire them and certainly the grace to understand our situation and endure it. We look forward to your prayers, comments, suggestions and criticisms.

Comments? Please share them with Carol and Adrian ...